I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
