That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
