I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
