i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
