i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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