shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's shark week go big or go home
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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