I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
