your parents love me but you hate me
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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