I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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