I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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