My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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