I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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