i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
