If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
