I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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