My hand turned me down
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm sobbing to NWA
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
