I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
