My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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