Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
