there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
