Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
