...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize