And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
