i permit you to call me
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
