Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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