Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
