My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
