i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I am midnight drunk by noon
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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