And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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