I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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