Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
