i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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