32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize