last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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