Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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