I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
