i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
