So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
