ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
