Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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