I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
