Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
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