First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
