My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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