When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
