By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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