Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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