there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
