I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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