We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
