Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
