Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
