We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
