why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
