There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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