when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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