I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
