Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
