Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
