walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize