she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
we should paint friendship bongs
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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