this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize