How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
