I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
