Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
