just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize