My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
