Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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