At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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