Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
