oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
