I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
